Recently, I’ve been talking with many of my clients about the difference between blaming and assigning responsibility. This can be a difficult distinction to make, but is a very important one.
Responsibility over your actions means accepting your role in a negative interaction, owning when you make a mistake or hurt someone either intentionally or unintentionally, and doing what is in your power to correct the situation.
Taking responsibility over something does not mean that you have to prostrate yourself, that you then have to carry the entire burden of the situation, or that you are somehow broken. It does require you to look at yourself honestly, to try to empathize with the person you’re in conflict with, and to be honest about mistakes, blind spots, and biases you have.
Blaming yourself or someone else inherently wipes the non-blamed individual free of any culpability, while the blamed individual shoulders the entire burden of the situation. Blaming others can cast you in a victim role, which keeps you stuck in bad situations, or can create an inordinate sense of guilt over things that are not entirely your fault.
Where blame vs responsibility comes up most for most of us is in the course of daily life. Simple interactions with family members, coworkers, and friends are the times when we are most likely to get stuck in unhealthy patterns, and it can be tempting to blame rather than own our role in the negative interaction. “If she would stop interrupting me, then I wouldn’t have to yell at her. It’s her own fault she’s crying!” “He is such a jerk- I just wanted to respond and then he freaked out and started yelling. He never cares about how I feel!” Both individuals feel like the victim and blame the other, and the cycle repeats itself.
When we are able to own our own role, then it can create space for the other person to do the same.
“I am sorry I yelled at you. I was frustrated at being interrupted, but I should have taken a time out rather than raise my voice. Next time we are discussing, I will let you know if I’m getting frustrated and take a breather.” A comment like that could open the door for: “I know you get annoyed when I interrupt you. It is a really hard habit for me to break, but I also do want to hear your opinion and what you have to say.”
he next time you find yourself in a frustrating situation, take a look at the whole picture rather than just the parts you’re angry about.
Try to determine if there is any piece that you’re in control of and could take responsibility over, and don’t be afraid to ask the other person to do the same.
Some questions you might ask yourself include:
- If I respond in a different way, would the outcome be different?
- What am I feeling, and is that impacting how I’m reacting? (examples: defensive, hurt, misunderstood, etc)
- Am I expecting someone else to impact something they don’t have control over?
On the other hand, if you’re feeling overwhelmingly guilty about something, try to see if you are taking on the entire responsibility rather than allowing the other party to shoulder their portion.
Ask yourself:
- If a friend or family member were in this situation, what would I tell them?
- Can I really control the way someone else feels or reacts?
- What was my motivation in doing what I did? Was I trying to handle it correctly, or did I have a malicious intent?
Most situations are not one-sided.
Like the cliche states, it takes two to tango. It also takes two to step up and re
Written by: Molly Halbrooks