In my work with couples, the most common issue I hear in my office is that they want to work on their communication. Understandably, couples sometimes cannot figure out why they are having trouble communicating or repeating the same arguments over and over. This cycle frequently keeps the couple feeling frustrated, hurt, and/or disconnected. These cycles are fueled by the couple’s perceptions and nobody wins.
Predictably, when the couple’s cycles repeat themselves, they see an offense, and project meaning about what their partner’s words, actions, or behaviors actually mean. Eventually this cycle has the couple stuck where each partner digs in deeper. They perceive the other as the enemy to be defended against. These reactions may continue to build until the person they love becomes harder and harder to see.
Hannah says about her fights with her husband, “I just want to run. I need to get away. I see his angry face and I’m gone. He says I dismiss him, but I hear his anger and my feet are moving. I just can’t stay and listen.”
This is a real couple illustrating their perceptions from Sue Johnson’s 2008 book, Hold Me Tight. Hannah’s perceptions and reactions to her spouse are completely understandable. It is difficult to listen when you feel that your partner is criticizing or attacking you. Simultaneously, Hannah’s spouse may be feeling anxious or unloved. Commonly, these behaviors or reactions are not the real issue. They are likely the couple’s perceptions of each other’s behavior. Neither one them is the ”bad guy.”If what I’m describing sounds familiar, there is hope. These patterns are predictable and there are ways to change them. There are resources that can help.
When couples get stuck, they are no longer able to truly hear. Their perceptions keep them from seeing what is below the surface and that the cycle is the culprit here, not their significant other.
One of the most helpful tools I have found to begin to identify these patterns is the EFT Cycle worksheet, seen below.
EFT Cycle
Typically with the couples I work with, one partner tends to pull away, or withdraw when the other partner becomes critical or aggressive. Underneath their behavior is the perception that is driving each of their reactions or responses. The other partner tends to pursue the other to connect and may be hurt by the other partner’s distancing.
As couples continue to track their steps through the cycle, they identify what is called Secondary Emotions, which are active responses to their perceptions. These can be feelings like anger, jealousy, or resentment. Going a little deeper, the couple begins to understand the emotions underneath, called Primary Emotions. These are emotions like hurt, rejection, abandonment, or shame.
