As I stated in part 1 of this blog, leaking can have a negative impact on your children’s mental and emotional health. As parents experience the pain, anger, confusion and grief that typically accompany a divorce, children are also experiencing many of those same emotions.

Divorce can increase a child’s risk for a variety of mental health issues.

Most common issues are symptoms of anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, grief and loss, academic challenges, insecurity and anger or irritability.  Often when parents are leaking, they increase their child’s risk to these mental health issues. In addition, leaking can further disrupt a child’s self-esteem when they hear you criticize their parent in front of them. Children see themselves as half of their parent, so to criticize a parent and call them a “loser,” your child hears, “I’m a loser.”  Get it? Leaking also forces a child to choose sides as their parents are verbally attacking.

Leaking also forces a child to choose sides as their parents are verbally attacking each other in front of them.  The result is a loyalty bind for your child, which further increases their risk of mental and emotional issues. Last but not least, leaking behaviors prevents your child from not knowing what a healthy relationship should look like and can disrupt their ability to trust in their future intimate relationships.

The good news is, leaking is preventable.  Even better news, each parent has all the power to prevent it. Leaking behaviors are not an automatic part of a divorce, it’s a common part of a divorce.

Regardless of what you have seen and heard, you have the power to prevent these toxic behaviors (leaking) from impacting your child’s mental and emotional health.

Below is a list of actions that will help you avoid toxic leaking behaviors:

• Agree that your children’s mental and emotional health comes first, no matter what! Develop a plan to include specific expectations about how you will communicate scheduling, activities, health and school information. The more you can agree on upfront will decrease conflict later.
• Just don’t say bad things about your ex when you are spending time with your children. This includes talking on the phone to others when your children are in the home.  Remember that children are sponges and they pick up everything.
• Allow your child to communicate with the other parent when they really need to. If it’s “your time”, you must allow them to talk without questioning or making your child feel guilty.
• Point out to your child the positive qualities they inherited from your ex. You did once love each other.
• Talk to your ex directly. Don’t use your children as a sounding board or to relay messages.
• Find an outlet. Talk to a friend, find a support group or see a therapist.  I hear kickboxing is great!
• Schedule an appointment to speak with a therapist. They can assist you both with co-parenting challenges

Written By: Porsha Jones, LMFT